There's Nothing On...Wednesdays

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New series are blocked in red; returning series in a new time slot are blocked in orange.

One of the chief complaints about television programming is that there's nothing on.  This is the fourth part in a daily series to look at what actually is on each night.  The focus will be on broadcast network programing and some of the key offerings on cable; there's no way to cover the hundreds and hundreds of cable networks.

The Big Gun: Modern Family (ABC)

ABC hit the goldmine when it sent Modern Family to series three years ago.  It raised not only the shows around it, it raised the profile of the network.  While I don't find the show to be as consistent as it once was, I know I will never miss an episode.  I have nothing but the fondest hope that each next episode will be a great one.

DVR Gridlock:  Wednesdays at 8:00

I've been a big fan of Survivor since the very first episode, which I saw in Sister #2's condo during a re-airing on a Saturday night.  I've mostly loved The Middle, especially as Modern Family waned.  Arrow is based on one of my absolute favorite DC Comics super heroes, Green Arrow.  FOX has The X Factor, which will garner lots of eyeballs, but probably not mine every week.

Survivor rises and falls solely on those cast, and this season not only some longtime players returning to play after having to be medically removed from the game, but there's also Blair Warner and Jeff Kent.  And since Survivor is sports for non-sports watchers, you really can't watch it later that week, so it gets priority.  The Kid loves The Middle, so it will get the other spot, and deservedly so.  The cast on that show is terrific.  Arrow concerns me enough that it will get the OnDemand slot.  My fear is fully grounded in lofty expectations, both mine and the creators.  I want it to be more like the early Smallville and fear that it will be more like the later Smallville.  I want Arrow to take its time and let the series and concept naturally build to a point; I fear that Arrow will pile on unfounded conspiracies and needless complications from the start all in the name of kewl.  I fear I want it to be something that the current television landscape won't allow it to be (see the overly complicated runs and early demises of Alcatraz, Ringer, The Secret Circle, etc.).

Most Eagerly Anticipated Returning Show:  Suburgatory

After Happy Endings finished it season early last spring, Suburgatory was the best comedy on ABC on Wednesday nights.  The creepy subtext between Tessa and George was excised, and the kids became one of the best ensembles working on television.  Jane Levee (Tessa) had been good from the beginning, but Carly Chaikin (Dahlia), Maestro Harrell (Malik), Parker Young (Ryan "Scarlett Johansson.  Dead." Shay) and especially Allie Grant (the hopefully adopted Lisa Shay) really clicked together and propelled the story in positive ways.  The adults were still mostly played as bizarre grotesques, which would be fine if the show was only interested in presenting the teenagers' perspective and their skewed view on the adults in their life (like Suburgatory soul sisters Awkward. and Easy A do).  But the show wants to tell realistic stories with both age groups.  There was good movement in that direction with the adults last winter, even as late as Alicia Silverstone's first appearance, but then the adult storyline became very childish.  Which in and of itself could be a very cool concept, but one that the show isn't willing to commit to.  I hope that this will be ironed out as the show moves into its second season.  It's moved to a post-Modern Family time slot, which gives Modern Family its most compatible lead out ever.  They've also cast Tessa's runaway mom (with Watchmen's Malin Akerman) which is a story direction I want to follow.

Most Promising New Series:  Nashville

I need to follow another prime time soap, like I need another dog.  But Nashville has Mrs. Coach, Connie Britton, and an intriguing All About Eve/country music premise.  I know I will be in for at least a few weeks, and I'm pumped to see where it might go.

Also:

--Okay, so ABC is launching The Neighbors between The Middle and Modern Family.  The Neighbors is about a family that moves to the suburbs only to find out that the people that live there are very weird.  While this sounds very much like Suburgatory, in this suburb all the residents are aliens.  From outer space.  Even The Kid is a bit skeptical.  It will either flop enormously or be a moderate sized hit.  Here's what I would like to see happen:  Happy Endings and Don't Trust the B--- falter a bit (but not enough to be cancelled on Tuesdays); The Neighbors is a moderate hit; then Endings and Trust can move back to Wednesday and The Middle and The Neighbors can move to Fridays which would make two pretty killer comedy blocks.

--Animal Practice and Guys With Kids are NBC's new beachhead into a Wednesday comedy block, this follows last year's attempt of Up All Night (now on Thursdays), Whitney (now on Friday) and the cancelled Free Agents and Chelsea.  Animal Practice is NBC's The Neighbors--it could go either way, a moderate-sized hit of a complete bomb, but I had absolutely no reaction to the pilot.  It exists; there's that.  And Guys With Kids looks awful.  It sneaks tonight, before it's official debut next week.

--I know I will at least watch a little of Britney and Demi on The X Factor, but unless something miraculous happens, I can't see any way that I'll be in for the long haul.  Too many other good things to watch.

--I love the idea that American Horror Story will be a new series every year.  I love that most of the cast will be returning in new roles.  I want to love the series more.

--Supernatural used to be one of my favorite shows.  The show was elegantly structured and had great performances.  The past two seasons were difficult to sit through, with last season being almost unbearable.  But I'm nothing if not an optimistic creature of habit.  I have every hope that the series will get better (and there's a new Executive Producer to that end), and if not I will see it through to its bitter end.

--I often suffer from Top Chef fatigue.  Thankfully the producers are trying something new, instead of another edition of Top Chef:  Just Desserts.  The new series is titled After Top Chef, and follows four of the favorite past cheftestants as they ply their trade and deal with their newly found fame.  It sounds slight, but that's not always a bad thing.

--I'm a recent convert to the Storage Wars franchise, and while I won't watch it live, I can't imagine a world without the series now.

--Key & Peele is a fine sketch comedy series, and I expect that the election cycle will give it plenty of material, but I petered out by the end of their short first season.  I'm willing to try again, but my patience isn't infinite.

Series blocked in green get an unequivocal recommendation; series blocked in yellow are recommended but cautiously.

There's Nothing On...Thursdays

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New series are blocked in red; returning series in a new time slot are blocked in orange.

One of the chief complaints about television programming is that there's nothing on.  This is the fifth part in a daily series to look at what actually is on each night.  The focus will be on broadcast network programing and some of the key offerings on cable; there's no way to cover the hundreds and hundreds of cable networks.

The Big Gun:  The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

I don't think there is a more powerful scripted show on television right now than The Big Bang Theory.  It's original broadcasts are at the top of the ratings pile each week.  The reruns on TBS regularly beat new scripted programming on the broadcast networks.  Famous pop astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson recently made a twitter joke about the soaring popularity of the comedy series over the actual big bang theory.  and the show is one of the best comedies around.  Sure, it's still a bit too raunchy at times, but the addition of Mayim Bailik (Amy Farfah Fowler) and Melissa Rauch (Bernadette) really made the show shine.  The have even been successful in mining the serialized nature of the characters and their relationships. 

DVR Gridlock:  Thursdays at 8:00

CBS has The Big Bang Theory and the transplanted Two and a Half Men, which will dominate the night in terms of numbers.  Fox airs more X Factor for them that care (and they are legion).  NBC airs the final season of 30 Rock and the second season of the revamped Up All Night, which will focus more on the home storylines, as Ava (Maya Rudolph) finds her show cancelled.  The CW airs the super fine and super cool The Vampire Diaries.  In a somewhat smart move of counter programming, ABC launches the submarine thriller Last Resort.

Excising X Factor, I have four shows I really dig.  I can't see abandoning 30 Rock in its final run.  Up All Night was uneven at best, but I always found it heartwarming; it gets the pity DVR-slot by being paired with 30 Rock.  We'll tape Big Bang Theory in the bedroom, because we like to watch it instead of a Seinfeld rerun sometimes.  That leaves the Sophie's Choice of Vampire Diaries or Last Resort.  The Vampire Diaries is the old favorite.  I have an unnatural attachment to Candice Accola and her Caroline, but I know that contractually she won't be on every episode.  Last Resort has to be one of the most shocking hours of television.  Shocking only because of how involving it is.  It is an intense thrill ride that brings up the best of 24 and Crimson Tide.  I'm writing up a full review soon, but if you at all like action thrillers, then this is the must watch of the season.  I have to give the other lot to Last Resort and count on The CW's multi-platform distribution system to get me my Caroline and company.

Most Eagerly Anticipated Returning Show:  Scandal (ABC)

I can't rave enough about Scandal, the Kerry Washington vehicle about a former Presidential campaign consultant who now runs a Washington D.C. firm that specializes in controlling headline grabbing scandals for the wealthiest and most powerful of our nation. How good is Scandal?  Remember how good Grey's Anatomy was when George was alive and running off to get married to Callie and Yang was with Burke and Addison was a regular?  It's better, and Kerry Washington should be a much bigger star than she currently is.  I love this show.

Most Promising New Series:  Last Resort (ABC)

Andre Braugher stars as a submarine captain who when refusing to follow suspicious orders finds himself fired upon by his own country.  He leads his crew and their nuclear sub to a tropical island, where he declares himself president.  I know it sounds hokey and I question the long term prospects of sustained storytelling, but boy howdy is Andre Braugher great and the first act the most intense 17 minutes I've seen on television since Breaking Bad.  It's phenomenal.  Really, and I only hope enough men will pull themselves away from Big Bang Theory to give it a decent shot.

Also:

--I was shocked to realize that I was anticipating Scandal more than Parks and Recreation, one of my all time favorite shows.  Perhaps last season didn't start well.  Perhaps the season finale would have made a more than satisfactory series finale.  Perhaps I have the overwhelming feeling that NBC is wanting to move away from niche comedies to more mainstream fare like Guys With Kids and Go On.  Don't get me wrong, I won't miss an episode; I love these characters and Pawnee too much.  But there's a feeling of bittersweet that I can't shake.

--I really want to like Elementary.  I love Sherlock and I don't want this to be a carbon copy of that.  I hope that it can stand on its own.

--Oh, Glee.  I once really liked you.  I will watch a few week, because it's starting early, and I am curious to see how the split storytelling of high school and post high school stories actually works.  But I remember all too well the Degrassi episodes when Paige, Marco and Ellie went away to school.  Ugh.

--I am excited that early series mastermind Greg Daniels is returning for the final season of The Office.  We've been told that we will learn something about the people filming the documentary this season.  I'm hoping for one last Michael Scott episode.

--It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a show I constantly forget that I love.  I don't know why that is.

Series blocked in green get an unequivocal recommendation; series blocked in yellow are recommended but cautiously.

There's Nothing On...Fridays

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New series are blocked in red; returning series in a new time slot are blocked in orange.

One of the chief complaints about television programming is that there's nothing on.  This is the final part of the daily series to look at what actually is on each night (Saturdays you get Doctor Who and Saturday Night Live).  The focus will be on broadcast network programing and some of the key offerings on cable; there's no way to cover the hundreds and hundreds of cable networks.

The Big Gun: ...ummm...CBS?

CBS should dominate in the ratings, but Friday has its own threshold for success.  FOX has been able to keep Fringe on the air for the last two year despite anemic ratings because it's Friday night.  Which of course means great things about the long term chances for Whitney and Community.  That said there isn't anything here that is going to tap into any sort of zeitgeist.

DVR Gridlock:  None

How nice, or how sad, that there's never more than two shows that you really need to be watching.

Most Eagerly Anticipated Returning Show:  Fringe (FOX)

Fringe was not one of my favorite shows last year, but that won't mean I won't be here to see how the final 13 episodes play out.  I am a completist.  More than that, I really liked the episode last year that was set in the future after the Observers have taken over the world; I understand this final season will be set there.

Most Promising New Series:  None

I like the concept and cast for Malibu Country and Made in Jersey looks solidly made, by neither are going to get me to set my DVR.

Also:

--Paul Lee, chief guru at ABC, made his smartest programming decision yet when he decided to resuscitate the TGIF brand from the late 90's.  You'll remember TGIF as ABC's Friday night comedy providers of shows like Full House, Family Matters, Boy Meets World, amongst others.  Right now tweens, families and younger people look to Nick and the Disney Channel to find programming that will appeal to them. I say if broadcast networks want to compete with the growing cable programming, then they should compete on all levels.  I'm not a fan of Last Man Standing, and I'd like to like Malibu Country but don't see myself doing so, but I understand their broader appeal.  This is a genius way to capitalize on a discontinued brand and serve a vital segment of the populace.  My only thought is that this is a half measure.  I want to see The Neighbors be a moderate success, and then move it and The Middle here.  You could have an unbeatable family night of programming with broad appeal that may start slow but could build major dividends.

--I have been underwhelmed by Grimm since it's return.  The coyote episode was both the best the series had ever been and the most ludicrous (Was it only budgetary reasons that kept the final showdown in full daylight?).  I liked the easy streamlining away of some of the grander and more esoteric parts of the mythology, but am still waiting for that great hook to draw me in for good.  For future reference that hook will never be amnesia.

--I am on Team Whitney for the foreseeable future.  The show got quite good towards the end of its first season, and I'm curious to see how they restructuring of the show around the central couple works, because they were always my favorite part.

--The biggest NBC programming shake-up amongst its existing properties was with Community.  Producing partner Sony Pictures chose not to renew the contract with beloved series creator Dan Harmon.  Fans of the quirky, but low rated series were apoplectic.  Why not just cancel it outright, rather than rip the very heady heart out of the show?  Well, Joel McHale, Allison Brie and Danny Pudi are going to be big stars in their next series.  Donald Glover is on the cusp of being a star everywhere.  It is smart business to keep these folks around and away from the competition.  Plus, without Harmon, there is a chance that Community will become what NBC always wanted, a smart series focused on wildly different people who create their own kind of family.  Kind of like Go On.

--Take it with a grain of salt if need be, but Real Time with Bill Maher is still one of the most engaging and entertaining talking heads show around.

Series blocked in green get an unequivocal recommendation; series blocked in yellow are recommended but cautiously.

Media Rants: Scott Walker and the WI Media's View From Nowhere

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Scott Walker and the Wisconsin Media’s View from Nowhere

Media Rants

By

Tony Palmeri

Back in January of 1991 I traveled to Milwaukee to participate in a protest against Bush #41’s invasion of Iraq. Thousands rallied. An hour into the event, less than a dozen counter protesters showed up to back Bush. I went back to Oshkosh and eagerly anticipated news of the event.

Watching the mainstream media coverage, a few things stood out. First, the protest event itself was framed as a kind of political Olympics, an arena battle between competing teams. Second, the reporters and editorialists situated themselves as being outside the arena; just spectators watching and commenting on the action. Third, the coverage seemed lazy; i.e. simple “here’s what team ‘A’ says about the claims of team ‘B’” as opposed to a systematic and rigorous search for the truth. Fourth, after concluding that both teams were “outside the mainstream,” the media referees announced their own “moderate” views that were supposedly “objective” and ruled by reason and common sense not found in the rhetoric of the passionate Olympic teams.

Media treatment of the revolt of large numbers of working Wisconsinites against Governor Scott Walker’s plan to decimate public sector unions reminds me of that war coverage. Bill Lueders of the Madison Isthmus sees the pattern in the Wisconsin State Journal’s editorializing: “Two days after saying that moves to strip the collective bargaining rights of almost all public employees ‘aren't justified,’ it now urged that this be done, albeit just for the next two years, until June 2013. It also opined, ‘The chaos we're experiencing in Wisconsin is simply the extreme manifestation of politics as usual,’ suggesting that all sides are equally to blame for their inability to let go of excessive partisanship.”

The local Oshkosh Northwestern has been more critical of Mr. Walker’s bill, including a fine February 15 editorial exposing its draconian and unfair features. But then on February 19th the paper went back to an “objective” stance and concluded that both Republicans and Democrats were at fault for practicing a “politics that push issues to the far edges of ideology.” Thank goodness the editorial writers are always so moderate and responsible. (Sarcasm intended).

Mainstream television and radio coverage of protest events is typically much worse than newspapers, and that’s certainly been the case in Wisconsin. From TV especially it’s almost impossible to tell who is telling truth in the conflict. Instead, the “objective” newscaster tells us what each side says, with sensational pictures as a backdrop.

New York University Professor of Journalism Jay Rosen refers to the dominant style of American journalism as “the view from nowhere.” When I first became aware of Rosen’s idea in the mid 2000’s I thought he was perfectly describing the coverage of that earlier Iraq War protest and virtually all other substantive issues. As we shall see, the idea captures what’s going on in the Wisconsin media’s construction of Scott Walker’s row with unions.

Influenced by philosopher Thomas Nagel’s book of the same title, Rosen describes three elements of the “View from Nowhere”:

In pro journalism, American style, the View from Nowhere is a bid for trust that advertises the viewlessness of the news producer. Frequently it places the journalist between polarized extremes, and calls that neither-nor position “impartial.” Second, it’s a means of defense against a style of criticism that is fully anticipated: charges of bias originating in partisan politics and the two-party system. Third: it’s an attempt to secure a kind of universal legitimacy that is implicitly denied to those who stake out positions or betray a point of view. American journalists have almost a lust for the View from Nowhere because they think it has more authority than any other possible stance.

I can guarantee you that the folks who run the Wisconsin State Journal and Oshkosh Northwestern, along with every other mainstream print and electronic news source in Wisconsin, would defend their reporting and editorializing as “balanced.” They would say something like, “pro Walker readers think we are too liberal. Pro union readers think we are too conservative. We must be doing our jobs very well if we offend every side of the political spectrum.”

In contrast Rosen says “The View from Nowhere . . . encourages journalists to develop bad habits. Like: criticism from both sides is a sign that you’re doing something right, when you could be doing everything wrong.” Allowing constant repetition of false or inaccurate claims is one of the worst characteristics of a View from Nowhere news operation.

To their credit, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel tries to hold public figures more accountable with a “PolitiFact” section. Reporters research statements of public figures and rate them on a “Truth-O-Meter:” True, Mostly True, Half True, Barely True, False and “Pants on Fire” for utterly ridiculous statements.

The Governor’s political opponents have shown some blatant distortions in Walker’s rhetoric, and even the Journal Sentinel gave him a “pants on fire” rating for the claim that the budget keeps collective bargaining “fully intact.” Media still let Walker and his fans get away with that claim or variations on it.

All news outlets need a Truth Meter to apply not only to statements of public figures, but to their own reporting and editorializing.

Fox Valley Media in 2022: Hopes and Expectations

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Fox Valley Media in 2022: Hopes and Expectations

Media Rants 
by Tony Palmeri 
from the December 2012 edition of The Oshkosh Scene 
If in 2002 I’d been asked to prognosticate about the state of Fox Valley media in 2012 I would have been optimistic. In 2002 I started the “Media Rants” column, produced and hosted a local access television program, published an Internet newsletter, and even did some radio. I sensed a real disgust with big corporate media, and thought it realistic to expect that developments in new media technologies would minimally create more competition for the corporates and consequently improve the overall quality of journalism and editorializing across the board.
Sadly Fox Valley media in 2012 turned out to be worse than what existed 10 years ago. Corporate television and radio continue to be advertiser driven nightmares, with news programming on the major issues of the day doggedly biased in favor of the political and commercial establishment. The Gannett press turned out to be, well, the Gannett press; commitment to market domination not matched by a commitment to nurturing a marketplace of ideas.
The SCENE, some blogs and social media, and other alternatives attempted heroically to open up space for dialogue and dissent, but lack of resources and lack of unity made it difficult to sustain the kind of independent media MOVEMENT necessary to progress beyond the stale status quo. In 2002 I reckoned independent media producers might link up and create some kind of visible alliance beyond linking to each other’s webpages. Never happened.
As we look forward to 2022, we can hope and hopefully struggle for the best, but must also have some realistic expectations about where we are headed.
We can hope that corporate media will take advantage of the opportunities presented by new technologies to minimize the profit motive in favor of a rejuvenated public service ethic. There's an Italian Newspaper called Il Fatto Quotidiano (The Daily Facts) currently doing well without excessive advertising. Online content is free and not blocked by paywalls. The paper makes profits from subscribers and newsstand sales. Why are they succeeding? Because readers perceive them as independent and not as flacks for the government or corporate interests.We can hope that by 2022 independent Valley bloggers, social media activists, cable access producers, and others will unite. They have nothing to lose but their current marginalization and irrelevance. They have a more vibrant public sphere to gain.
We can hope that the institutions of higher learning in our region, especially the UW, revive a “Wisconsin Idea” spirit. That means placing an emphasis on helping citizens to tell their stories and encouraging students to see community civic engagement not as occasional volunteer activities, but as the essence of being an educated person. In the 21^st century civically engaged people almost by definition must be media activists.
We can hope that the trillion hours per year citizens today collectively spend on digital media creation can be focused more on civic engagement. In the Fox Valley, greater digital activism could do wonders for producing the kind of grassroots political culture needed to challenge the old boy network that has ruled the roost in these parts for way too long.
We can realistically expect that the corporate media will continue to suffer from addiction to maximal profit business models that will further lower the quality of journalism in our region. I’m not sure we can realistically expect that the majority of citizens will take the step necessary to change this: stop supporting financially any media that allows pursuit of the almighty dollar to trump its responsibility to serve the cause of democracy.
We can realistically expect that independent media producers will proliferate. Productions will of course be of mixed quality, but I expect that advances in new media technologies will make it easier for people sincerely interested in bettering our communities to get their messages out clearly and unfiltered by corporate gatekeepers.
We can realistically expect our institutions of higher learning to engage in more community outreach than is currently the case. I expect Departments of Communication, Journalism, and others to become more visibly partnered with Valley communities, hopefully helping citizens to communicate their needs clearly and assertively.  
We can realistically expect that social media will become, much more than today, a key tool in the effort to rebuild our neighborhoods. In small neighborhoods like Middle Village (where I live in Oshkosh), residents are slowly but surely using Facebook and YouTube to keep citizens informed and promote neighborhood identity. We have a long way to go in using social media productively in this fashion, but given the inability of the corporate press to serve a meaningful civic role, we may have no choice.
Moving forward my major fear is that an abundance of new media technologies could just as easily alienate us from each other as opposed to the unifying possibilities I’ve outlined. Folk singer Tracy Chapman eloquently framed this fear: “We have more media than ever and more technology in our lives. It's supposed to help us communicate, but it has the opposite effect of isolating us.”
We all can cite an ample number of examples to support Tracy’s point. By 2022 we can be better, but only if we act. As the late management guru Peter Drucker once said, “The best way to predict the future is to create it.” 

If I ran NBC

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Here’s a question from reader Jim that set my mind a'wanderin':

What would you do to turn around NBC's fortunes?

Let's say you've been tapped to be the network's head programmer. What would you change? What would you keep? What would you do that the other networks aren't doing that would set your network apart?

First off, be it duly noted that NBC just won the November sweeps for the first time in like a decade.  So they are going in the right direction.  Granted, it's because of THE VOICE, SNF, REVOLUTION, and GO ON, but still -- credit where credit is due. 

Now...being the head programmer wouldn't be enough.  I'd have to be whatever the title is that I could really make the decisions.  So assuming that utterly unrealistic fantasy...

I would cancel WHITNEY.  America has voted.

I would stick with PARKS AND RECREATION.

I would aim for quality over zeitgeist.

I would not be afraid of developing sophisticated product.  It's always worked before. 

I would give the viewers credit for intelligence.  Especially the young ones.

I would not do knock-off versions of current sitcoms. No NEW GIRL clones. No MODERN FAMILY wannabes. Not saying NBC is doing that now but that's my philosophy.

I would sit down with Lorne Michaels and see what we can do to make SNL less uneven. Maybe one fewer new episode a month? Some new writers? I don’t know. But along the way they do some inspired stuff. More of that and less of the tired lame material.

For development, I would seek out those experienced writers I admire and let them do the pet project they’ve always wanted to do. Some will come back horrendous, most will come back interesting to some degree, and a few may come back extraordinary. All you need is one.

I would not just hire actors and friends of actors to write pilots. Thinking an actor can just sit down and write a decent pilot is like me thinking I could star in BIG BANG THEORY. This attitude that we can just hire writers at some point to fix these amateurish pilots won’t fly with me.

All young writers must have a sample of original material these days. Most write pilots. I would collect all the spec pilots and buy the two best.

I would hire the best of the bunch of find places for them.  You can't stockpile enough great talent.  

When pairing baby writers with established showrunners I would select the veteran who is best suited for the material. I wouldn’t hire showrunners because they happen to have a deal at the studio.

Once a series gets on the air I would trust my creative partners. You run story areas by me and that’s it. The outline does not have to be approved. The draft does not have to be approved. Guest actors do not have to be approved. Neither does wardrobe or set dressing. That’s just nonsense.

Notes during production will be kept to a minimum. And no one will give notes until they’ve proven to me they’re qualified.

Single-camera comedies better be funny. Wry and mildly amusing are no longer good enough.

I bet if I ran MASH reruns on Friday night they would do better than rerunning any sitcom currently on NBC.

I would avoid the temptation to air additional episodes of THE VOICE.  I wouldn't want to burn it out.  Can you say SO YOU WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? kids?

I love Brian Williams, think he’s the best anchor of all the major networks. But I would cancel his primetime show. No one is watching. I don’t care how cheap it is to produce.

I would drop all banners and promos from within the content of shows. They’re distracting, annoying, and completely ineffective.

I would shy away from serialized dramas. Viewers have a tough time jumping aboard in the middle, and current patterns suggest fans of these shows like to binge-watch. They’ll wait until the end of the season and watch the whole year on DVD or Netflix. That does me no good.

I would not get into insane bidding wars over projects. I would not overpay just to be in business with a certain actor or producer. This isn’t baseball. I can win without Albert Pujols. I’ll use my money more wisely.

I would have direct communication with my writer/creators. This idea of a non-writing pod producer acting as a go-between is counter-productive. And if writer/creators have questions I would encourage them to call me directly. I may not get back to them in ten minutes but I will return their calls.  I don't want mid-level executives answering questions based on what they think I'll say.

In some cases, opening titles would be back. 

I would use research as a tool, not a deciding factor.

I would not let Ryan Seacrest near the news or sports departments. 

I would put shows on the air I don’t like but think the general audience will.

I would keep every executive currently there and give them a chance to work with my game plan.  I bet there are some terrifically talented people at NBC and I'd be an idiot to just discard them out of hand.  Not to mention what it would do to morale... and I'm a BIG believer in morale.  

These are some of my ideas for how I would select, develop, and manage shows... in a perfect world.  But that’s only part of the job. Unless you promote your line-up properly and schedule it properly you’re still not going to win. My primary objective would be to WIN. This is not cable. Prestige shows that get no numbers are fine for subscription services. They just want you to be impressed with their slate so you’ll renew every month. Whether you actually watch HOMELAND or GAME OF THRONES is way less important.

That's not the case in the network world. You need ratings. I have a number of promotion and programming ideas that are rather avant garde but I know would WIN. Those however, I’m not just giving out. Those someone will have to pay me for.
I’ll be right here by the phone.

Waiting.

Waiting for your call.

Ready to save your network.

Ready to take you to number one.  

Doesn't have to be NBC.

Could be any network.

Waiting for your call. 

Could be a cable network.  

Hmmm.

It doesn’t seem to be ringing.

#LizAndDick: My review

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Oh my fucking God!

I only hope that when they do the Lindsay Lohan TV biopic – and they will – that it’s as jaw droppingly atrocious as LIZ AND DICK. They will need to find the worst actress in America to play Lindsay, if only to do the same justice to her as she did to Ms. Taylor. Although I don’t know if a worse actress can be found. Lindsay might have to play herself – assuming she’s still with us and not locked up somewhere.

LIZ AND DICK (by the way, never, not once are they referred to as Liz and Dick in the movie – it’s always Elizabeth and Richard) is the cheese-rich schlock film of the year. Imagine Ed Wood directing a screenplay by a 7th grader and starring, well… Lindsay Lohan.

The only question was: yeah, it’s fun watching a trainwreck for awhile. But could I stick it out until the very end? So I wrote this review in real time knowing that at any point I might just have to shut it off and plunge an ice pick in my head.   These were my impressions as the movie unraveled. 

Oh… SPOILER ALERT. I spoil everything. So if you don’t want to know what happens, I’ll see you tomorrow. But I believe in this case you’re going to want to know what happened. Either you’re not going to see this tripe anyway or once you read this you'll be compelled to see it because you think I’m making all this up.   Further WARNING – this is the type of movie that brings out the snark in me in a big big way. Ready? Here goes:

This guy is Richard Burton? He’s like Jim from THE OFFICE with a phony accent. (Grant Bowler is his name. He should fire his agent.)

When was Richard Burton blonde?  Or am I just being too picky about minor details?  

We start with Richard’s last day alive. Adventures in bad make up. He's gray.  This is like when Jr. High kids play the Ezio Pinza part in SOUTH PACIFIC.

On the set of CLEOPATRA. Lindsay’s make up is laughable. What’s with that eyeliner? The movie should be called PEE WEE AND DICK.

First Richard Burton drunk scene. First of many I suspect. Foster Brooks was more subtle.

Zero chemistry between Liz and Dick. More romantic sparks would fly with Barbara Bush and Jon Lovitz.

I don’t understand. Suddenly there’s this convention where they’re both being interviewed. Where did that come from?  And at what point in their relationship was it supposed to be?

And seriously, why is he blonde? Oh wait.  I bet they just got Richard Burton mixed up with Peter O'Toole.  Common mistake. 

Someone says to Liz: “You’ve just ended your fourth marriage!” to which Liz defiantly replies, “Who’s counting?”  What a withering zinger!

It’s 0:17. I pretty much got the gist. Nah, I’ll stick it out a little longer.

Glad I did. Richard now says: “I don’t need a pool. I’ve got a whole ocean in you.” Smooooth.

This is the suicide segment. First Sybil Burton tries it unsuccessfully, and that guilts Richard into breaking up with Liz. Two seconds after hearing this news she runs to her room, downs a bottle of sleeping pills, and chug-a-lugs a half bottle of Vodka. Maybe it’s me, but if you find yourself laughing at a suicide scene then it doesn’t have the emotional wallop the filmmakers intended. That’s at 0:29. Okay, I’ll give it one more segment.

Richard: “My heart is broken and you have the smashed pieced!” Not since THE LADY EVE has there been such crackling dialogue.

Ooooh. At the 0:31 mark Lindsay cries. She’s truly awful at it. And you’d think she’d have all that practice in court.

Elizabeth has a different fur in every scene.

They’re making THE V.I.P.’s now. This oughtta be good.

0:54 – Liz is trying to seduce Dick. Vamp music plays. She’s in a sexy teddy. Instead of Richard Burton I kept picturing Lindsay’s parole officer.

Richard: “What if your little songbird Eddie decides to drag things out for months?” Since when did he become Sam Spade?  We hit the hour mark.

At 1:07 they get married, pressured by the Pope. Yes, that Pope.

Are they ever going back to Richard’s last day? What’s the point of that?

No mention of the suicide either. I guess that was just a one-time kookoo thing and now she’s the picture of mental health.

Richard: “Happy?” Elizabeth: “More than.” Tony Kushner, eat your heart out!

I was just about to turn it off at the 1:09 mark when Richard takes a bow for his HAMLET and brings Elizabeth on stage with him. She takes a bow for a play she wasn’t in.

This is now the SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER of TV biopics.

Big crisis: Richard loses an Academy Award to Lee Marvin. He doesn’t handle it well the way most husbands do and it puts a big strain on their marriage. Maybe a drink or thirty would help.

At 1:11 comes my favorite line in the movie. Richard and Elizabeth are staging a mock fight for writer Ernest Lehman to show they’re right for the film version of WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? Elizabeth has the topper with: “Mellifluous. Was he some Roman homosexual that you buttered?”

The recreation of Richard and Elizabeth in VIRGINIA WOOLF looked like a bad SNL sketch. But that’s not the good part. Richard and Elizabeth are in a theater watching it. On the screen Liz says, “You make me puke!” They then cut to the audience where a viewer turns to Liz and says, “You were fantastic!” Okay, now they’re trying for laughs, right? I mean, seriously? Complimenting Elizabeth Taylor on the reading of her vomit line?

The interview is back. Where was it the last half hour? And why is it even there at all? Ask him why he's blonde.

At this point they fight, make up, fight, make up again. In the Lindsay biopic they can re-film the same scenes just substituting Lindsay’s mother for Richard Burton.

Now they have money problems. But wait, after their accountant tells them they’re broke they buy a giant yacht, a private plane, and a diamond the size of a water tumbler. This last purchase comes after Elizabeth says: “I need a ring. A big ring.” We’re at 1:26. I am sooo close to switching to Sportscenter.

I should have. At the 1:40 mark there’s an elaborate 40th birthday party for Liz (I thought they had money woes?) with waiters dressed like Cleopatra’s slaves or those buttered Roman homosexuals and Liz overhears a guest saying, “She still thinks she’s a movie star.”

This sends our fragile heroine into a tizzy and she runs to her room. How come no suicide attempt?  Instead she begins the single worst crying scene in the history of cinema. Lindsay must’ve been channeling a caterwauling baby and Lucy. I’m guessing if she cried like that before a judge that’s why she was sentenced to jail time. Painful to watch and torture to hear.

Liz correctly says, “I’m a joke!” and consoling Richard says, “No, no. You’re my love.” I'm about to down a bottle of pills. 

Okay, from this point I just skimmed the rest. I couldn’t stand it. They finally go back to his last day. Hooray. Always good storytelling to set something up and return it to promptly two hours later. But now that we’ve seen his life, what insights does he have as a result? What new perspective does he have? Has he reached any conclusion about his life and his actions? When we last left him he was saying to somebody, “I’m tired.” Now we pick him up walking into the next room, lying down on the bed for a nap, and that’s it. He dies. Wow. What a sequence! I skipped through Liz fainting (another great acting moment worthy of a sack of flour) and went right to her visiting his grave. As they showed her at the tombstone they flashed the watermark:  #LizAndDick. Perfect time to troll for Twitter action.

Then they went back to the interview. Huh? Isn’t he dead? Oh wait. Maybe they recorded this interview in heaven after they both died?

End the fucking movie already! Please! I’ll watch an episode of AMERICA’S SUPERNANNY. Just make it stop!

Mercifully, they do. With one final great touch. They end by proving unequivocally that Liz really did love Richard. Here’s what they flashed on the screen:

ELIZABETH TAYLOR KEPT RICHARD BURTON’S LETTERS FOR THE REMAINDER OF HER LIFE.

Well, I guess that nails it.

According to one biography, Richard Burton slept with 2500 women in his lifetime.  Just think of the sequel possibilities!